Being yourself

While I've been asked too many a time "What do you want?" at work this past week, I got some revelations and inspirations just from my "Management of Fashion and Luxury Companies" course on coursera (which I'm having a hard time catching up due to hectic reno-work-life schedules)

In life, I feel, it is important to brand yourself. Like in fashion. I think a lot of my colleagues succeed in their job, because they successfully brand themselves. Like my HCD who brands himself as someone who articulates great ideas, my PgM who brands herself as someone with technical depth. I also have this poly mate who brands himself with the motto "Under Promise, Over Deliver". I've never found myself a brand in general. Despite having some personal goals, mottos, principles, I haven't exactly found something definitive to brand myself. I'm a little uncertain in that aspect. I'm very mediocre in that sense too.

I like fashion, but do not believe in extravagance. Same for living to eat. I enjoy fine food, good ambience, but seek tranquillity more than luxury. As for work, I've been unlucky, per say. Met with some really screwed up situations and didn't stick through them.

But I have to find my brand, soon.

Somethings wrong...

I distinctly remember the time when work was rather bad. When the manager held distinctly different values, and we were struggling to keep up with management and contractor's needs.

I couldn't imagine a worse situation. And now I'm experiencing exactly what I couldn't imagine.

We have four seniors. Pgm, dm and two pes. They think they try to agree with each other. But as development team, we are at the receiving end of mixed designs, contradicting advice and asked to redo things requested for to ever so new requests and change of mind and designs.

In the past, work was hard. But I somehow managed to keep my optimism. Partially cos there was little rewards that drop in now and then from the users or contractors. And on hindsight, partially because the team around me shared my woes. They agreed with my difficulties.

But now, my rewards come from the pitiful team. From my trying to save them from rework. Its not rewarding so to speak. And there's no one to share my woes. The team is too young to realise what is so screwed up. While I'm unable to encourage the seniors to help us better. Maybe they're just a bad fit with each other.

I think I took on some of myhusband's habits. ..

Like they tend to say that husbands and wives grow to become like each other I totally think I took on some of my husband habits, knowingly or unknowingly.

One of which is the tendency for privacy. I distinctly recall how open I was with everyone and everything. But now, it's all on a need to know basis. Partially something I learnt from my masters in computer security, but certainly wouldnt practice it if not for the hubby.

He's going for blackhat at las vegas. Guess what? We backed up all our devices, ready to 'clean' them once we're back. Unbelievable. I wouldn't imagine doing this if I were by myself.

What I need to do. .

Looking back on the days before my bout of flu sore throat cough, I realised I've been living too hard. I want to enjoy life, do well in my job, be a great wife, a good daughter in law, sister in law and of course a good daughter - in no particular priority. That said, I probably should start imposing some priority on those items, although some items have already been naturally prioritised, if you know what I mean.

Living too hard really. The body needs rest. MY body, especially, NEEDS REST. There's no need to hit a new cafe every week. In fact, I think most days should be spent at home, unless going out for exercise. All days should be spent giving the body the most pampered treatment. One shouldn't go shopping when tired. There's no need to look for the most delicious restaurant when you just need to eat and go home Sleep.

Of course, there's a whole lot of caveats to the above. When out, you need to look for the most inexpensive eating option. Need not be something new, but should be inexpensive at least. That requires some degree of prior research if in an unfamiliar place. I'd say, always plan to go home for dinner. We're already forced to eat out fives days lunch a week.

That said, a lifestyle change should be in effect after I return from Vegas. Good luck to me.

My expectations have increased. ..

And I thought I preferred to work with hardworking people as opposed to lazy but smart people as it is easier to understand if hardworking people have put in their best but hard to come to terms with smart people who refuse to work hard.

But this episode made me realise there's a limit to working with good people who are not so capable as opposed to not so tactful people who are capable. I realised I've reached a stage where I get irritated by people who simply cannot be efficient in the way they work. They simply fail to realise their priorities well.

How do I tell the big boss that I want to work with people who are good at their staff work?

First time in my life...

I want to quit for real. Not because I'm curious about the world out there, not because I have an unethical boss, but really because I cannot find a sense of worth at work.

I'm sure its both ways. The job makes it hard for me to find a sense of worth, myself not inspired by this job leading to a lack of sense of worth. I can see myself contributing bits and pieces, but none are valuable. That is, they could well do without me.

These are the days I need to learn to bite my teeth through. I will grow out of it stronger.

I probably need a good read..

I've never felt so disturbed for a long time. I recall those difficult nights in M&S, pin pointing the root of the problem to work ethics of my immediate supervisor. Now, the root of the problem is the world's root problem, Singapore's root problem - lack of engineering staff.

My team is made up of inexperienced engineers. I guess they are experienced in their own ways, but not for the job scope that is required in the project. I feel this episode is probably the driving force for me to move towards what I'm really meant to do. What I'm really passionate for. For a long time, I couldn't be sure if I'm really passionate towards Cyber Security, even now, I'm still withholding myself from saying that. But it seems everytime I struggle with my work, I think that I'd want to try out Cyber. Seemingly, there's just something over there that I did not complete. Something over there I'm supposed to do but never got down to doing it.

So much so I'm losing sleep. I have work tmr but I just cant get to sleep. omg. I wish I could fall asleep.