Being yourself

While I've been asked too many a time "What do you want?" at work this past week, I got some revelations and inspirations just from my "Management of Fashion and Luxury Companies" course on coursera (which I'm having a hard time catching up due to hectic reno-work-life schedules)

In life, I feel, it is important to brand yourself. Like in fashion. I think a lot of my colleagues succeed in their job, because they successfully brand themselves. Like my HCD who brands himself as someone who articulates great ideas, my PgM who brands herself as someone with technical depth. I also have this poly mate who brands himself with the motto "Under Promise, Over Deliver". I've never found myself a brand in general. Despite having some personal goals, mottos, principles, I haven't exactly found something definitive to brand myself. I'm a little uncertain in that aspect. I'm very mediocre in that sense too.

I like fashion, but do not believe in extravagance. Same for living to eat. I enjoy fine food, good ambience, but seek tranquillity more than luxury. As for work, I've been unlucky, per say. Met with some really screwed up situations and didn't stick through them.

But I have to find my brand, soon.

Somethings wrong...

I distinctly remember the time when work was rather bad. When the manager held distinctly different values, and we were struggling to keep up with management and contractor's needs.

I couldn't imagine a worse situation. And now I'm experiencing exactly what I couldn't imagine.

We have four seniors. Pgm, dm and two pes. They think they try to agree with each other. But as development team, we are at the receiving end of mixed designs, contradicting advice and asked to redo things requested for to ever so new requests and change of mind and designs.

In the past, work was hard. But I somehow managed to keep my optimism. Partially cos there was little rewards that drop in now and then from the users or contractors. And on hindsight, partially because the team around me shared my woes. They agreed with my difficulties.

But now, my rewards come from the pitiful team. From my trying to save them from rework. Its not rewarding so to speak. And there's no one to share my woes. The team is too young to realise what is so screwed up. While I'm unable to encourage the seniors to help us better. Maybe they're just a bad fit with each other.

I think I took on some of myhusband's habits. ..

Like they tend to say that husbands and wives grow to become like each other I totally think I took on some of my husband habits, knowingly or unknowingly.

One of which is the tendency for privacy. I distinctly recall how open I was with everyone and everything. But now, it's all on a need to know basis. Partially something I learnt from my masters in computer security, but certainly wouldnt practice it if not for the hubby.

He's going for blackhat at las vegas. Guess what? We backed up all our devices, ready to 'clean' them once we're back. Unbelievable. I wouldn't imagine doing this if I were by myself.

What I need to do. .

Looking back on the days before my bout of flu sore throat cough, I realised I've been living too hard. I want to enjoy life, do well in my job, be a great wife, a good daughter in law, sister in law and of course a good daughter - in no particular priority. That said, I probably should start imposing some priority on those items, although some items have already been naturally prioritised, if you know what I mean.

Living too hard really. The body needs rest. MY body, especially, NEEDS REST. There's no need to hit a new cafe every week. In fact, I think most days should be spent at home, unless going out for exercise. All days should be spent giving the body the most pampered treatment. One shouldn't go shopping when tired. There's no need to look for the most delicious restaurant when you just need to eat and go home Sleep.

Of course, there's a whole lot of caveats to the above. When out, you need to look for the most inexpensive eating option. Need not be something new, but should be inexpensive at least. That requires some degree of prior research if in an unfamiliar place. I'd say, always plan to go home for dinner. We're already forced to eat out fives days lunch a week.

That said, a lifestyle change should be in effect after I return from Vegas. Good luck to me.

My expectations have increased. ..

And I thought I preferred to work with hardworking people as opposed to lazy but smart people as it is easier to understand if hardworking people have put in their best but hard to come to terms with smart people who refuse to work hard.

But this episode made me realise there's a limit to working with good people who are not so capable as opposed to not so tactful people who are capable. I realised I've reached a stage where I get irritated by people who simply cannot be efficient in the way they work. They simply fail to realise their priorities well.

How do I tell the big boss that I want to work with people who are good at their staff work?

First time in my life...

I want to quit for real. Not because I'm curious about the world out there, not because I have an unethical boss, but really because I cannot find a sense of worth at work.

I'm sure its both ways. The job makes it hard for me to find a sense of worth, myself not inspired by this job leading to a lack of sense of worth. I can see myself contributing bits and pieces, but none are valuable. That is, they could well do without me.

These are the days I need to learn to bite my teeth through. I will grow out of it stronger.

I probably need a good read..

I've never felt so disturbed for a long time. I recall those difficult nights in M&S, pin pointing the root of the problem to work ethics of my immediate supervisor. Now, the root of the problem is the world's root problem, Singapore's root problem - lack of engineering staff.

My team is made up of inexperienced engineers. I guess they are experienced in their own ways, but not for the job scope that is required in the project. I feel this episode is probably the driving force for me to move towards what I'm really meant to do. What I'm really passionate for. For a long time, I couldn't be sure if I'm really passionate towards Cyber Security, even now, I'm still withholding myself from saying that. But it seems everytime I struggle with my work, I think that I'd want to try out Cyber. Seemingly, there's just something over there that I did not complete. Something over there I'm supposed to do but never got down to doing it.

So much so I'm losing sleep. I have work tmr but I just cant get to sleep. omg. I wish I could fall asleep.

2015 caught up with me!

I guess its just part of me to enjoy cafe life so much. Just spent my PM-leave at Pick Me Up with mummy as hubby is on ICT.

My priority in life now, I suppose is finding time. That is, trying to move from far away Pasir Ris to Tanjong Pagar so that I can gain about another hour at home everyday.

It was a difficult decision, the cost contributing to the difficult in a big part. I had to rationalise between spending eons travelling from Pasir Ris to Bukit Merah to and fro and the wholly 438 grand. Well, the thing is, we've been liquidating x amounts daily for the UberX commute to work daily. And guess what, it takes almost as much time by UberX than on bus-mrt-bus. The saving grace is just that I get to avoid the heinuous crowd. Ok, sorry I'm exaggerating, the scary crowd. I've had a difficult time adapting to the commute, and each try at adapting damages the psychological/emotional well-being. I guess the hubby just couldn't bear to force me to squeeze with the crowd. So if you compare liquidating x amounts on UberX and investing that 438 grand for greater comfort, financially, the decision is clear.

I digress. I meant to investigate why I enjoy the cafe life so much. Its the joy of being out in the afternoon, being able to sit around without a care for time that comes with cafe life that I like. Of course, not to mention good food and awesome beverages. That's just part of enjoying life. Not a care in the world.

Ever since I got married, it got difficult to find time for that. In fact, I never had the chance to feel bored sitting at home alone anymore. Although not bored, but I still put in efforts in search of good cafes to go to. I still treasure and look forward to each cafe visit. Even a quick trip to the cafe at Bedok Reservoir, running all the way from Pasir Ris to Loystel's in Lavender was worth the efforts. Not forgetting to mention our quick escape to Lady M at Orchard Central, simply for the space of it, they have some really awesome layout there!

Reminiscing the year past...

The thing hanging on my mind now, is that if you've been doing things mostly right, providence will have it that things will happen right for you.

As much as I've played too hard this Christmas, probably need to work harder next year, I'm reminded very much how my priority is to take care of my health and my family's health foremost. Next comes my friends, my dearest, keeping the relationships healthy.

Well, its been a great year, having learnt so much in school, fell so deeply in love and then becoming a part of my husband's family. Not to mention the many challenges at work, which in my previous posts I have put secondary priority to life. Of course, I will do my best still, but health, family, friends, always first in my heart.

I'm so glad for the great year, it wasn't easy, but all I managed to overcome. I seek to become a better me as I face challenges ahead, I pray for providence to show me what's right as always.

I shall live life to what I believe is right: the fullest.

Will be travelling to Hiroshima for the new year, therefore, putting these thoughts down before 2015 catches up with me. ;)

Happy New Year!!!!

Married Life

So, the all too interesting question, that interestingly doesn't return an all too interesting answer.

Married life is, natural. Normal. Like yourself. Being with yourself.

Life isn't about what you want to do, where you want to go anymore. All your plans is a plural singularity. We. Let's go! Shall we eat ramen? Can we get up in time? Do we have sufficient time to prepare?

Taking turns shower, takes double the time to plonk into bed.

Doing shopping together means time in both men's and women's section.

Buying breakfast no longer entails what I like to eat. More of what shall I get for my family?

Having dinner is always eating with your double. He's mimicking my mood, my expressions, my actions.

So yea, all fun and loving in return for your personal space. ;)

exchange rates

Recently, the exchange market has been rather exciting. Partly due to the drop in oil prices and then there's the economy reverberations. The interesting thing yet, is not the fluctuations.

I've went around Chinatown, parkway, marina Square, vivo City, Orchard ion money changers attempting to change Japanese yen. All didn't give me the good 90 I was looking for. All except two.

And the funny thing was, both the shops were running out of yen! Yet this goes against the economics of supply and demand where limited supply inflates the value of objects.

Wonders why. ...

Office clouds are looming overhead...

As the days breeze past, I'm getting closer and closer to the date I return to office.

This school year, I have learnt to discipline, focus and eventually, most importantly, learnt to distance from school all together. I learnt how focus and discipline helped me learn better but more importantly, I learnt that focusing and discipline are not important after all. School, is not important. Life is. I knew that, and had to be reminded again. I practiced that, but lost that. Yet, I am now better able to understand all those friends who neglect their friends because of school/work. They were not as lucky as I to get a knock in the head and learn the importance of life over school.

So, a gentle reminder to the future Princess, no matter what happens, office nor school is never more important than life itself.

Enjoy life!

Ensemble's Twentieth

I recall the last time I returned to NUSCO after a short break, I was walking jitteringly into the new practice room at Yong Siew Toh. And an even longer break a while ago, I joined NUSCO after a three year break from playing the cello.

This time, it is different. I didn't realise it could be so different. I didn't get a cello till a week before performance. Not to mention the cello wasn't even a decent one to help keep me in tune. This time, it was five years since I've last been in close contact with a cello. Picking one up and getting back on stage in one week was quite a feat.

As I had previously stopped before, there was no longer the fear that I didn't know where to place my fingers anymore. It was more of getting used to the soreness of the vibration of the strings, the strength needed to do the vibrato, and the bow, the very unused muscles to bounce the bow, to cross-strings. Vivaldi may be easy but it isn't without its own set of challenges.

L'estro de Armonico Concerto X turned out to be a crowd winner. With Angeline commenting it being the best of the first half, Junhao summed it well with "the confidence exuded by the alumni" did the trick. Leng added that it was encouraging for parents watching the concert, thinking that THIS could just be what their children will look like in future!

Keeping music alive, I bet that was Ms Ku's hope in us.

What a significant twentieth, seeing the two chairpersons on stage, Junior high's chair being so excited he literally screamed into the mic, breaking down halfway to recover his emotions.

I recall the first time we called back our alumni, I was the one looking up each and every senior from 1994 onwards, that of Kaileng, Grace, Chenjie et. al. It was for a BBQ event. That was ensemble's first BBQ and a very bonding one indeed. Looking forward to our next reunion, with ensemble, the music, the people and the memories.

Trust is..

Easier said than done.
When one loses her rationale,
How can trust keep her afloat?

The truth of yesteryears,
Seem too far and faded.
To trust the fact, the logic,
By a heart so jaded.

Trust can be so strong,
Yet so fragile at the same time.
Trust can keep one alive,
Yet break one's heart so deeply.

How does one retain her trust,
In a moment so sadly tainted?

7 Days as a Butterfly

Wings Colourful, Widely spread;
It breezes along, the flower bed.

Pretty flowers, Natural scent;
Alongside it, beautifully unkempt.

Graceful sun, Embracing warmth;
Flower to flower, Fluttering along.

Wings float, Drifted by the wind;
Higher and higher, mid-air its in.

Scent is lost, flowers gone;
Missing in the air and beyond.

Flutter weakens, wind missed;
Downward spiral, and it spins.

Lost and paralysed, in its state;
Whirlwind of events belies its fate.

Love more, Generate Global Health

And so, it has emerged that I suffer as a young adult a mild-severe loss in hearing, an unexpected onset of eczema last year, and haemoglobins found in lab tests to be further verified. A friend joked, there's something wrong with my brain, not knowing how close to the truth he was. My best friend is more worried about my not being able to hear than myself. While both my dermatologist and ent specialists say - reduce stress, knowing themselves it being impossible in this metropolitan.

This metropolitan, can we really blame? I questioned my sub-department head if he thought it was only his department that was too stressed. This was on the basis that we're the only department in the company who lost 3 lives - 2 + 0.5 + 0.5. Maybe more, that I am not aware. 2 foetueses and 1 succumbed to schizophrenia another to diabetes and depression. I count the latter two as 0.5 each. How controversial for him to think that all these are mere coincidences! How is it such a mere coincidence that the staff he hired happened to bore such illnesses? Why did he not think that probably all humans are not perfect, no staff in any department are perfectly healthy? When I told another sub-department head about my predicament, his view was, by hook or crook, LEAVE.

Our health, is the only gift we have. Health, brought on by happiness, a healthy lifestyle of sports and balanced-diet, a healthy environment.The number one risk to this health happens to be stress. Not the virals, nor the genes, but really stress. We are born imperfect. We are born susceptible to viruses and our genes probably hiding millions of diseases. But everybody is healthy around us, or so it seems. Its really, how you take care of yourself? How do you protect yourself from stress?

We exercise, eat fruits and vegetables, drink alot of water and walk in parks for a fresh breath of air. However, these are all external. Internally, to prevent the build up of negative energies from emotional stress especially, our antibodies need a healthy dose of happiness, relaxation and a healthy emotional state to stay strong. Internally, the antibodies once weak, become susceptible in spite of external support.

Even stress, there are two main kinds. I group them as emotional stress and mental stress. Emotional stress is, in my opinion, the worst form of torture. If we could mete this out as a punishment to prisoners... but I digress. Emotional stress stems from being 'bullied'. Mental stress is plainly out of high expectations, stems from the need to perform. Humans when bullied are psychologically under duress, they may choose to voice it out or keep their grievances in within, both are bad. Voicing it out results in life with the bully being unbearable. Keeping it within makes it more bearable but the internal build up of injustice will break the skin. Mental stress, IMO, is easier to escape. Lower expectations, mindset shifts can help adjust such stress.

We can do something about mental stress. But, besides leaving, there's nothing much to be done with emotional stress. Unless one identifies the bully and provides counselling for her. So let's learn from this and not be bullies ourselves. Life is challenging as it is, why make it harder for your fellow human?

I propose here a universally effective solution - LOVE. I think humans, especially Asians, are very restrictive about loving. They condemn themselves to only love blood related relatives besides their life partner. What's there not to love about your comrade, your friend, your colleague or even the aunty who helps to clean your school's toilet?

Let's love more, and generate global health.

The best childcare..

I have been musing about whether mothers should stay home to care for their little children and to provide them the comfort they require as little ones. There are many examples where children who grew up at home with mothers turn out less irritable and more amiable than kids raised in factory-like childcare centres. However, deeper thought into this made me question myself, if mothers who stay home really make better kids. That is to say, do these children grow up to become better adults although there can be a significant difference when they are young. A further thought on that, irritable kids learn from being bad, they learn from the reactions of others around them to become better adults. Wouldn't that be more effective learning than amiable kids?

The quick answer to that is, give the child the best childcare you can. You don't want to regret not trying your best. Nobody regrets trying their best. That is, nobody goes, I should've neglected my child so that he would learn what is bad more effectively. There is no need for a child to be bad to know what is bad. In fact, as adults we often see bad examples everywhere we start wondering what is GOOD?

That said, the best childcare need not require the mother to be at home all day. In fact, if you're going to be a bad mother, maybe its better to leave your child at the day care centre. The expertise at the day care could be better than a lousy mother. I'm exaggerating, as there really is no bad mother in this world. Every mother loves her child and her love can only be good, most of the time. So the best childcare is really what a parent can offer given his/her circumstances.

What then, makes a best childcare? With much musing, my friends and I concluded that confidence within a child is the result of best childcare. Does your child have the confidence to let go of your hand after you bring him to the playground and start making friends with strangers? Does your child have the confidence to perform his grade 1 piano piece to his teacher's students who are up to the Diploma standard?

How then can we build confidence in a child? Intuitively, the comfort of knowing that he is well-taken care of makes a confident child. That is why many stay-at-home mothers make better children. Yet, that is not all. Words of encouragement are critical, thence, the very disruptive pampering of grandparents can actually give a child confidence. Still, all must be done in moderation. A child too proud of himself may impede his own learning progress or social skills. 

The best childcare do make better adults. Think of it this way, a child learns the most, the fastest when he is child. Adults do not pick things up as fast and takes very long to unlearn things too. Therefore, we want to give the child our best, the best available for him so that he will grow up to become a good adult. We want to treasure every single moment of his childhood, that is why many adults send their children to ballet, painting, gymnastics, riding, swimming and many other classes.

In general, adults are doing it right. They are giving their little loved ones the best they can imagine. There are many things adults can do better and can learn to do better. Critically, whether you are stay-at-home, part-time, or working mother, give your child your best. What you can give, you would, and please do as they grow too fast for you to catch up.

I was reading my horoscope..

And was giggling at how lame but true it is..

LIBRA - The Lame One (September 23 to October 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. Faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative. A hopeless romantic.

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

What happened to the strong little girl?
Where did the demanding princess disappear to?

A semester so tumultous,
Drains one of energy excesses.
Fears went unanswered,
As calls of distress went unheard.

As every drip of energy gathered,
Evaporates in difficult times.
And every support soul found,
Was busy and tightly wound.

How can souls be so cold,
What are such friends for?
Only a friend to the strength,
But deeply wounds the frail.

When will you return my dear?
The independent soul so precious.

Swan Lake by The Bolshoi...

I was actually feeling very lazy to blog this, but "God Never Blinks" suggested I keep writing.. so here it is...

This is the second time a performance touched me to tears. The previous time was in Russia itself, a competition performance by a group of Bassoonists on the Brandenburg Concerto. But this time, it wasn't just music, it was the art of the body, the BALLET, that moved me to tears.

The first act where the two ladies, Friends of the Prince, were playing with Prince Seigfried. They danced in so lively, with smiles, just the way anyone could possibly enjoy dancing. The Russians really know their art. They're so immaculate, every part of their body is angled perfectly, every first position at 30 degrees from the torso, the temps leve goes to the exact width apart. I was reminded of the Hermitage, the art of porcelain 'painted' drawings on the tabletop. The Russians are really into their art.

Touching stories don't really move me to tears, but perfectionism in artistry does. I was really lucky I got Ekaterina Krysanova for Odile-Odette. Her Aura more than makes up for her lack of flirt with Seigfried. Grigorovich's updated choreography of the ballet didn't mean for them to flirt anyway. I've watched Swan Lake performed by different troupes and this, this Odile-Odette, trumps all the rest. She has no need for energy. Every muscle in her body exhudes grace. Every Odette I've watched angles their arms the same feathery way, but Krysanova's somehow hid the Aura of the Swan in within. Something you see the same, but feel different. This is what is so awesome.

I guess, having started ballet once again helps me appreciate even more thoroughly. Its not the movements that are hard, its the stills. When the swans stay still, that's the hardest part. And the hardest movements yet, Four Swans. Oh my goodness, the all familiar tune, yet Four Swans added the magic to the tune with their precisely coordinated movements, mind you, even their EYEs were coordinated. Never, never before have I seen such coordination. I don't even think the Kremlin guards can march in such appalling unison.

Talking about swans, there is nothing in the ballet that cannot claim credit for. The black swans were dark, sinister, yet they showcased perfect combinations. In this case, it wasn't just unity, their formations were precise, their V-shaped dances were impossibly touching with perfection. Not to lose out, the white swans were given the honour to induce immense peace with their movements all across the stage. The whites covered the entire stage and sprinkled it with peace, grace and beauty, overflowing into us audience.

The Straits Times review were critical on the choreography, I'm not so sure it deserved such criticisms. For a ballet so well-known, so mature, we're not so into the flirty chase anymore. Grigorovich has given the substance its maturity required. He showed us ballet and pushed the grace of it onto us audience. This is an art that feeds the soul.