What am I fighting for!??!

I have a loving boss,

More than a dozen caring colleagues.

And very very close friends within the department,

At least three who put me before themselves.

I'm never left out at work.

There are a million pple in ofx who will bring me out to exciting lunch places.

I have a good working relationship with ALL stakeholders.

I get to go home on time much more than most colleagues.

I sleep better than many friends I know.

I know how to do my work and handles my job scope well.

I am in a happy situation, happy environment.

So I'd really like to ask, what exactly am I fighting for?!?!?!

My pessimistic colleague says..

most pple have to tolerate their bosses more than I do.

most bosses will make mistakes and think that you made them.

most bosses will force a decision on you and blame you for the decision after that.

... i'm too exhausted to complete this list, why should i?

Spending Nature..

And so its weird I realised, I do not consciously force myself to spend less but becos there is so much pessimism at work that there is no joy in expenditure anymore.

Food tastes the same. Bags look the same. Shoes are the same. Clothes all look like clothes.

And you thought pple spend more to make themselves happier. Actually, spending more is just a relaxation. It is only required when one is stressed. When you're angry, and hopeless, you're not stressed. You actually find no joy in expenditure.

Is that a kind of optimism in itself?

perpetual frown

and so the hot topic, PCDP - personal career development plan was meant to motivate staff.

I got that takeaway after talking to my HCD - head capability development.

I have no idea why how what when I'm made to feel so angry. Throughout the entire session, I can feel my HCD trying very hard, trying to understand and see how we can align to each other. However, I could only feel my cheeks burning, I was so angry I couldn't understand why.

I guess I will have to show him how I think things can be aligned.

Sick..

Omg.. i'm sick and yes i'm gng to bathe and sleep right after this.

Bought this voucher on groupon, found a few good deals for travel but guess what? I don't feel like travelling at all! -.-

In fact, I don't feel like anything. Its not that I've lost interest in life. In fact, my life is so fulfilling lor.. like -HOW FULFILLING is this?-

Yup, drawing lessons are really amazing. Topping that fun is my great drawing partner- guess what? From the exact same company, I really mean scholar batch. We've been through 3 lessons le, and I'm only finally updating it here now (becos I'm sick and cancelled on everyone). The first lesson was awesome, copying stuff she printed for us, finally picking up the pencil again. Second lesson was not that great cos its my most awkward face drawing. Third was good again, cos sitting beside my drawing partner, and comparing and giggling at each other's drawings. Second lesson I was sitting this really insecure little lady who was so critical of her own work it loses all the freedom of drawing. Okay, sorry, its not really drawing lessons. We're doing "Fashion Illustration".

So, with that much gng on, I re-read my last post and didn't quite understand what I was talking about. Lol.. i was very sure it made alot of sense when I typed it.

That said, time to nurse myself back to health first. (although I have so much to say)

De__ess___

and so i don't know why, i should be in bed but i choose to type here.. there something very empty inside of me...

its an ideal two days of no work and just training.. although very boring training as the students are not active and difficult to open up and exchange ideas.. and very tough material every single session reminding me of my weakness, how to know if the traffic comes in has gone through NAT? how many different events can the router listen for at all the packets? I've never been learning well in sch.. :(

and i just went to try to answer a qn.. i do not wish to ask.. for i am not ready to know the negative ans... how can anyone ask a qn and only expect positive ans lei? sigh... (it reminds me of pple who propose, they only want to hear +ve ans..-.-)

I've been talking to too many pple.. talking too much... but... i need to talk.. i guess i really need to talk to that particular someone.. and not any others.. yet.. i cant talk to her.. she's far and she's leaving... sigh... and i dun wan to go around in circles.. i want to get out of this CIRCLE!!!! (infinite loop la)

hang in there girl... SURVIVE!!!

Optimism

And so one goes on to figure, which exactly is my real self?

It has been a spirit lifting week seeing so much effort put in and such great results. It is consoling and relieving to know that things are on course... I feel like I came back from a holiday although it was a work trip.

Let's keep it this way. :)