Has been declared and in activation since first week of school. I guess this will be a full 9-month state of emergency. Fully focused on studying.
But cannot help it. There are just times when the work gets too intimidating. When faced with daunting equations and indecipherable symbols I get into fits of panic. What a phase!
Who can I look to to console,
A panicky heart constantly on my toes.
Good friends far and near,
Always seeming so dear.
But when I cannot even express,
How will they understand.
When the outlook seems so bleak,
One just wants to get away on one's feet.
Yet at every crossroad and turn,
A sense of loss is all I earn.
Priorities clear yet reluctant,
Get thru it is all I can endeavour.
A mom so supportive is all I need,
In this time to see me thru my deed.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
1Q84 (bk 1)
Sometimes I don't understand why I'm so ill-disciplined. I finished a book at one shot again. No need eat, almost no need sleep. When I'm too free, I'd google to figure out how to kick off addictions like this.
And 1Q84. Its amazing. Some parts are really lengthy, but I guess if not for the 3am reading, I'd probably have not skimmed through certain parts. The good parts I just relished. (note to self: re-read when possible)
I'm just here to contemplate. Its very common for readers/viewers to find a character they identify with be it reading books or watching tv. The most interesting thing about this is that one will realise the difference in the characters they emphatise with and the one they find themselves falling into role with changes! It shows alot about our growth. I see myself in the form of a 17 year old who doesn't speak nor write well in 1Q84. Its in the way she speaks that I see myself time and again. The short replies she gives. The way she questions without a question mark. I did it to my mother but it seems she's used to me. Yet the way the author puts it across, makes it sound like a psychological anomaly!
I see myself in how she trusts others and how her trust is so discerning a wise old man goes along with her instinctive trust. Of course, in the book, the wise old man had ulterior motives. But that's beside the point. Fuka-Eri is a very independent girl. Someone who's capable of protecting herself in her own creative little ways. Such a character! Maybe not the main character in the book, but definitely my star.
P.S. To add on, I really want to thank the lovely girl who introduced the book to me. In person when I see her next year. I hope. We have so much to talk about!
And 1Q84. Its amazing. Some parts are really lengthy, but I guess if not for the 3am reading, I'd probably have not skimmed through certain parts. The good parts I just relished. (note to self: re-read when possible)
I'm just here to contemplate. Its very common for readers/viewers to find a character they identify with be it reading books or watching tv. The most interesting thing about this is that one will realise the difference in the characters they emphatise with and the one they find themselves falling into role with changes! It shows alot about our growth. I see myself in the form of a 17 year old who doesn't speak nor write well in 1Q84. Its in the way she speaks that I see myself time and again. The short replies she gives. The way she questions without a question mark. I did it to my mother but it seems she's used to me. Yet the way the author puts it across, makes it sound like a psychological anomaly!
I see myself in how she trusts others and how her trust is so discerning a wise old man goes along with her instinctive trust. Of course, in the book, the wise old man had ulterior motives. But that's beside the point. Fuka-Eri is a very independent girl. Someone who's capable of protecting herself in her own creative little ways. Such a character! Maybe not the main character in the book, but definitely my star.
P.S. To add on, I really want to thank the lovely girl who introduced the book to me. In person when I see her next year. I hope. We have so much to talk about!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The days when..
I don't even want to talk to my best friend.
Ultimate desolation.
So last week I was critiqued for not having emotional independence. I thought I wanted to keep this record as a good reminder for myself, although I hope I never need to refer to it. I guess firstly there are just things that don't work. I try to be kind and reason with myself, "you don't want to worry your friends". So I try to manage my predicament, how tough it may be. But no I guess, as much as I try to push myself, as much as I focus on keeping a good health, studying somehow, has this amazing magic to invoke the darkest thoughts and emotions and I guess it all adds up to fear within myself.
So ok, how to cope? Talk I guess, talk to pple. Just let it out. But only to those you're comfortable with. I guess the impetus of being critiqued for the lack of emotional independence spans from the thought that there will be times where "those I'm comfortable with" are just not available. That I may crash. But importantly, I guess I can only remind myself, that I can only be my best. If I'm not capable of emotional independence, so be it. Why incur additional stress trying so.
CONFIDENCE. I guess this needs to be built. Confidence that I can manage school isn't something I can convince myself. Not sure if my friends could, although I don't think they tried. My coach put all his confidence in me though. Something that gives me comfort in dire times. But such thoughts will not get me through my assignments. I need to gather the confidence. From reading more. Besides believing in myself.
Balance. This is inevitable. I try to balance without sacrificing too much. This is hard. Its hard to stay focused on my assignment. Its just too stressful having to sit in front of the computer and expect myself to type out the assignment. So I need to balance. I need to take breathers. I dunno. I'm out of energy. Out of positive energy. (Where did all the positive energy of the past fives years disappear to!?)
Ultimate desolation.
So last week I was critiqued for not having emotional independence. I thought I wanted to keep this record as a good reminder for myself, although I hope I never need to refer to it. I guess firstly there are just things that don't work. I try to be kind and reason with myself, "you don't want to worry your friends". So I try to manage my predicament, how tough it may be. But no I guess, as much as I try to push myself, as much as I focus on keeping a good health, studying somehow, has this amazing magic to invoke the darkest thoughts and emotions and I guess it all adds up to fear within myself.
So ok, how to cope? Talk I guess, talk to pple. Just let it out. But only to those you're comfortable with. I guess the impetus of being critiqued for the lack of emotional independence spans from the thought that there will be times where "those I'm comfortable with" are just not available. That I may crash. But importantly, I guess I can only remind myself, that I can only be my best. If I'm not capable of emotional independence, so be it. Why incur additional stress trying so.
CONFIDENCE. I guess this needs to be built. Confidence that I can manage school isn't something I can convince myself. Not sure if my friends could, although I don't think they tried. My coach put all his confidence in me though. Something that gives me comfort in dire times. But such thoughts will not get me through my assignments. I need to gather the confidence. From reading more. Besides believing in myself.
Balance. This is inevitable. I try to balance without sacrificing too much. This is hard. Its hard to stay focused on my assignment. Its just too stressful having to sit in front of the computer and expect myself to type out the assignment. So I need to balance. I need to take breathers. I dunno. I'm out of energy. Out of positive energy. (Where did all the positive energy of the past fives years disappear to!?)
Friday, August 30, 2013
What truly is logic?
Who decides reason?
It is only in the mysterious equation of love,
that any logical reasons can be found.
--- John Nash
It is only in the mysterious equation of love,
that any logical reasons can be found.
--- John Nash
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The truth behind hate..
Hate, isn't effectively a feeling. Its more of a by-product. Sometimes a by-product of irritation or loss, some get it due to anger, which contrary to known belief, also isn't a feeling. Imagine, 'I feel angry' isn't a feeling. Really, anger sometimes comes out of confusion, pressure, stress and most commonly, I think, fear.
So if I say, generally, I hate studying, I really don't 'feel' anything saying it. But most ppl like studying. Just me. I hate studying. But why? Most commonly - out of fear. Let's not drag this too far off (i.e. pri sch). Imagine passing by the lab you struggled days through nights yet was not able to figure out the programming routine for the fuzzy logic. Shivers. And recalling the days you went in and out of Counselling Centre, taking care of your own depression. Dark days those were. I certainly will never attend an 8am lecture again, because I failed the only module that started at that time.
But lo and behold, Providence brought me back to school. The SAME school. How much courage it will take to see me through this schooling is yet to be defined. ALOT, probably. But it is a phase I have to overcome. It is this phase that will help caress my withered soul from school days. It is this particular experience that I have to put in my best effort at righting things at school. Being really a student, and not what I was doing back in those days. Build up my confidence from school.
It starts tomorrow.
So if I say, generally, I hate studying, I really don't 'feel' anything saying it. But most ppl like studying. Just me. I hate studying. But why? Most commonly - out of fear. Let's not drag this too far off (i.e. pri sch). Imagine passing by the lab you struggled days through nights yet was not able to figure out the programming routine for the fuzzy logic. Shivers. And recalling the days you went in and out of Counselling Centre, taking care of your own depression. Dark days those were. I certainly will never attend an 8am lecture again, because I failed the only module that started at that time.
But lo and behold, Providence brought me back to school. The SAME school. How much courage it will take to see me through this schooling is yet to be defined. ALOT, probably. But it is a phase I have to overcome. It is this phase that will help caress my withered soul from school days. It is this particular experience that I have to put in my best effort at righting things at school. Being really a student, and not what I was doing back in those days. Build up my confidence from school.
It starts tomorrow.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Departing.. and Reminiscence
One more week left, but today I felt it the most. I'm leaving my mother's home - PC7. It is evident, with the choices I have made, the preferences I have indicated and the modules that interest me. To eleven I will be sent. Unless they resolve their lacking of staff before next May.
Just like how Wan Yin claims she was married away, I'm like the teenager who's eloping with her secret lover. The teenager who was loved and endeared at home. The teenager who was pampered and prided of. How my parent PC brought me up so well. How my coach gave his helping hand everytime I sprained. Even if the road seems misty, my coach provided a comfortable carriage I quickly got used to.
Reminiscising my toddler years in Comms with Yih Luen, how my elder brother Jared held my little hands and led me step-my-step. Thru minute writing, thru analysing EMI/EMC, thru the complicated calculations required for GRCSWG. My teenage cousin Vince then watched as Jared held me, warning me of the exposure that's to come to me. As I entered the doors of Welfare Committee, and sitting inside Management Meeting as a junior. I cannot remember all the ups and downs they saw me thru, but they were there. Every lunch, every badminton session, and that one birthday celebration.
In my pri sch years, my coach let me try many subjects. In Maritime Security with Lye Huat, I was primarily thrown to Ben and Yat Seng. In ISR with Wai Meng, who put so much scrunity on me and so much pressure on himself. The exposure was steep, the equations and technical specifications were too much for me to gobble down but they choked me only for awhile. Time there was too short but I remembered all the good ppl I met who were so patient with my confusion.
I finally found my sec sch years in M&S. The puberty, the growth spurt. The glimpse of management and the face of the cruelities and selfishness of this world. I learnt the most, mastered the most and grasped the most here. Puberty is a phase you make the deepest friends and find the greatest enemies. The face of enemies I'd have to face, continue to face but learnt to manage.
Now it was during my puberty I found my deepest beliefs. What I will now seek to study. What I was born with. Maybe even what I was born to do. Even as I elope with this deep belief, I missed my toddler times, my growth. This is the only time, in spite of being adult, being in charge and being given the choice, you miss your youth. The great innocence, the wonderful support everyone around gives to a great innocence.
I do not know how much damage my growth has put in me. The tendonitris will continue to plague me; I cannot run nor pass rainy days without reminder of it. The sprained ankle returns to haunt as I push myself in ballet. The eczema that spurned out of my puberty stress and this tinnitus that bugs me as I type. The tinnitus that I do not know of the road to recovery. I can only be patient. And proceed with life as normal. Solving things step-by-step as Jared has once taught me. Facing the cruelities of this world Vince has warned me for. I will miss my parent.. my parent PC.. and everyone who was part of my growth.. Thank you all...
Just like how Wan Yin claims she was married away, I'm like the teenager who's eloping with her secret lover. The teenager who was loved and endeared at home. The teenager who was pampered and prided of. How my parent PC brought me up so well. How my coach gave his helping hand everytime I sprained. Even if the road seems misty, my coach provided a comfortable carriage I quickly got used to.
Reminiscising my toddler years in Comms with Yih Luen, how my elder brother Jared held my little hands and led me step-my-step. Thru minute writing, thru analysing EMI/EMC, thru the complicated calculations required for GRCSWG. My teenage cousin Vince then watched as Jared held me, warning me of the exposure that's to come to me. As I entered the doors of Welfare Committee, and sitting inside Management Meeting as a junior. I cannot remember all the ups and downs they saw me thru, but they were there. Every lunch, every badminton session, and that one birthday celebration.
In my pri sch years, my coach let me try many subjects. In Maritime Security with Lye Huat, I was primarily thrown to Ben and Yat Seng. In ISR with Wai Meng, who put so much scrunity on me and so much pressure on himself. The exposure was steep, the equations and technical specifications were too much for me to gobble down but they choked me only for awhile. Time there was too short but I remembered all the good ppl I met who were so patient with my confusion.
I finally found my sec sch years in M&S. The puberty, the growth spurt. The glimpse of management and the face of the cruelities and selfishness of this world. I learnt the most, mastered the most and grasped the most here. Puberty is a phase you make the deepest friends and find the greatest enemies. The face of enemies I'd have to face, continue to face but learnt to manage.
Now it was during my puberty I found my deepest beliefs. What I will now seek to study. What I was born with. Maybe even what I was born to do. Even as I elope with this deep belief, I missed my toddler times, my growth. This is the only time, in spite of being adult, being in charge and being given the choice, you miss your youth. The great innocence, the wonderful support everyone around gives to a great innocence.
I do not know how much damage my growth has put in me. The tendonitris will continue to plague me; I cannot run nor pass rainy days without reminder of it. The sprained ankle returns to haunt as I push myself in ballet. The eczema that spurned out of my puberty stress and this tinnitus that bugs me as I type. The tinnitus that I do not know of the road to recovery. I can only be patient. And proceed with life as normal. Solving things step-by-step as Jared has once taught me. Facing the cruelities of this world Vince has warned me for. I will miss my parent.. my parent PC.. and everyone who was part of my growth.. Thank you all...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Scholarship Award Ceremony
Is something that I think only humans of a certain age and nature would really WANT to go. Its like, even the food doesn't entice me anymore, would rather be home sweet home eating take outs. But nonetheless, it turned out to be a positive experience.
First of course, seeing the undergraduate scholars, those of whom I already could imagine how they'd turn out, was an uplifting experience. Youngsters who don't think they're young, with bright and far-reaching futures performed really well in the dance segment. It was an award winning -Oscars- level kind of performance that kind of sweeps you off your chair.
But the people, its always the ppl that makes your day. The good old DHS senior who only addresses another good old DHS senior by his Chinese name, mind you, not the NRIC dialect name, but the true blue Chinese name. The all so familiar character of the DHS student was rather heart warming.
To top it all off, to share the ceremony and enjoy the performances with a fellow undergraduate turned postgraduate scholar was most precious. Someone who knew how it felt then, someone who had been thru Shatec and sat thru the same undergraduate scholars orientation event, someone who was also once on a certain stage performing for parents and then defence minister, chief executive and directors, was heart-warming.
I now know what I want. If and when I get it, doesn't matter. Most importantly, I'm sure of myself and there's no need for others to push/guide me around anymore.
First of course, seeing the undergraduate scholars, those of whom I already could imagine how they'd turn out, was an uplifting experience. Youngsters who don't think they're young, with bright and far-reaching futures performed really well in the dance segment. It was an award winning -Oscars- level kind of performance that kind of sweeps you off your chair.
But the people, its always the ppl that makes your day. The good old DHS senior who only addresses another good old DHS senior by his Chinese name, mind you, not the NRIC dialect name, but the true blue Chinese name. The all so familiar character of the DHS student was rather heart warming.
To top it all off, to share the ceremony and enjoy the performances with a fellow undergraduate turned postgraduate scholar was most precious. Someone who knew how it felt then, someone who had been thru Shatec and sat thru the same undergraduate scholars orientation event, someone who was also once on a certain stage performing for parents and then defence minister, chief executive and directors, was heart-warming.
I now know what I want. If and when I get it, doesn't matter. Most importantly, I'm sure of myself and there's no need for others to push/guide me around anymore.
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