When i was 7..

sitting in my uncle's car... alone at the backseat.. i remembered so vividly i thought to myself, i want to grow up, when i do grow up i will never wish i was young again. That was when I couldn't have the freedom to be alone. To take care of myself. To be trusted to take care of myself. I felt manipulated, I had to go where my uncle went, following them, didn't have my own choice, my cousins dun know how fortunate they are.

Now at 24, I'm afraid I'm gng to start wishing I would stop growing old. Emotionally, mentally, I'm beginning to feel 40, if not 50. Well, I won't bite my own 7 yr-old-words. I do not wish to become that little. But I just want to stop here. Dun grow any older. This is the first year, of all years that my relatives chased me to get married. This is the first year of all years, my mother insisted that I need to marry. Soon. Even without all these reminders, I've already started worrying on my own. Seeing the ageing face in the mirror every morning, knowing it will never be the same. Never be that beautiful young girl.

I knew what I wanted since I was in secondary school. I knew what I was looking for by the time i completed my O levels. I know more or less in blurred images the future i needed to lead a happy life. And it hasn't changed since then. I have heard ladies of 30 warn me during my teen my ideals will change after 22/23. But no. Mine hasn't and I believe will not change in the future. Maybe I won't be a total stay at home mum. But definitely I want to care for my own kids. With a man I love. At least, I need a loving husband, someone who comes home daily to relax and appreciate his home. I am now more aware of the baby gooey that comes with family. I told someone I didn't mind not having kids. But certainly, I need someone who can afford to spend precious evenings together, and active weekends alive. Not the bankers(etc..) who work their hells Mon-Fri and get so shagged they sleep their weekends away.

It seems that little expectation of mine is overboard. To many. I nv asked for riches and wealth. Never asked for gucci and armani. Never asked for roses and houses. Just TIME. :'( It's that hard isn't it? Part of being Singaporean? Or just living in this society? The minimal i need is time. Yet some like to replace it with lavish gifts. It doesn't make up. Nothing can make up for lost time. TIME is so precious, ever since secondary school. Where I first had control of my own time. You have to know the feeling of having no control of your time to understand this. Bet very few will. Hurting as it might be. I have to live with it.