In pursuit of LIFE... decisions

And so, what is LIFE? Everytime I ask my dearest girlfriend of 14 years now, she answers me smack in the face - Life is Happiness! Everytime I do something different, and worry if that is right, she asks, 'are you happy?'. Yes, In pursuit of LIFE, inevitably translates to, In pursuit of Happiness. The natural question to ask next will be, how to get happiness? or even, WHAT is Happiness?

Is being able to do what you like Happiness? To put it simply, is going to Sakae to eat your favourite sushi Happiness? Or is sharing a meal of nasi lemak meal with your child, happiness? Is being a writer happiness, or is spending more time taking mummy out, happiness? Maybe you're so into fashion you want to live your life revolving around it, but if it takes you away from your loved ones, will you still find happiness in it?

I guess, this is how humans grow. As you grow, you learn what's important to you, you re-learn your priorities. You re-visit what can be done to achieve your priorities. You grow to see that some habits, passions and interests have to give way to more important priorities. You feel old after making yet another life-changing decision - to study in SMU or NUS? to work in the Hospital or to go Private? Simple true or false decisions, yet how impactful they can be. How much such simple decisions can make a difference in the way one lives his/her life and how one has grown after one concludes on a simple decision. After you've concluded you will study in SMU, you learn your strong inclination towards business side of events better. You probably realise that the city location of your school makes the cause of your decision all fall into place.

Whatever your decision may be, you fall into happiness after you've made it. That's the RIGHT decision, whatever it is. Congratulations!

Nobody will understand me..

As what I believe smacks me in my face,
Knowing that is not the norm.
Nobody will support my need,
To become a mother - stay at home.

I see toddlers fall ill time and again,
From the spread of virus at care centres.
I see myself quitting my high paying career,
In search of a fulfilling job I yearn.

Yet no man can support a family,
Single-handedly without income from the wife.
How can I protect my children if I have,
From the pushing around at child care?

My user told me his daughter picked that up,
The very first day she attended infant care.
My contractor shared with me his observation,
Of children whose mother doesn't stay home.

Stark contrast he told me, in terms of kindness,
Sweetness and innocence of children.
Why manufacture children like machines?

My heart is weeping so deeply,
Irrational yet truly concerned.
A life, I wished I had ended years ago.

Anger..

Anger fills and haunts me through,
Run as I might to no avail.
Attempts to quell seemingly fail,
Outbursts of fury follows my trail.
Can love so deep be so frail?

Struggling to escape this burning fire,
Within the heart, swamped with mire.
I try to cool, I calmy simmer,
Within soothing music, in my ears.

How to undo being so blue,
Angsty problem seemingly prevail.
Running away seems my only instinct,
Despite knowledge that is no solution.
Can love really conquer all?

Foreigners

How can I deceive myself? How much longer can I be deceived? When I started my morning walking back from the clinic, i suspiciously eyed the auntie with big curls long hair standing beside me. In her plastic bag from NTUC i spotted two cans of peaches. A cheena woman? I was later affirmed of my suspicions when her cans dropped out of her bags, (i dunno how she carry one la) and into the drain, heard her speech and immediately recognised that cheeena irk.

Just yesterday I went to the Istana, as i walked in with umbrella over head I saw so many foreigners strolling out with their umbrellas overhead. ang-mohs are easily recognisable, but what about the Myanmese, Viets and Indians? I couldn't tell. But then at Sakae for dinner, just at the table diagonal to me was a group of ang-moh family.

Just what happened to the locals? I'm beginning to muse even more deeply. Could it be that they all hide at home? And what do they feed on!? Or they slog 24/7? So we only see them at work?!

Marketing..

Can you believe i'm choosing pork based on origins? Saw the Indo Pork at Giant and got a little apprehensive.. and felt relieved to see Australian Pork but STILL.. i dunno how to choose pork!!! You want it light pink? dark pink? but some looks a bit too black.. so I gave up.. i took a packet of cheese sausages instead! lol...

Same for the mushrooms.. i saw, Malaysia mushroom? should be quite ok.. China mushroom!? omg.. got poison anot? lol...

Now all cooked But But But... my lips still numb from dental...

Note to self: no dental after five pm... the numbness is not gone after three hours!!!!

Musings..

And I went to the FLA exhibition... to learn that there's so much franchises around me..

My friend and I was sharing about our lives and concluded on how busy all Sgreans are. We forget about our parents picking things up after us, we take for granted our dear friends cleaning our mess. We forget our keys, miss out important details, skip meals... all for busynes... what busyness?!

I want, for my life, i will have, TIME. Time to pick up my own mess, time to finish my own laundry, time to notice the worries of the man sitting beside me on the SBS bus, and time to allow passengers to alight. TIME to indulge in the learning of dressmaking, time to slowly figure out how to make food taste good. Time to prepare oneself mentally for partnership, and time to engage your loved ones as part of your life.

I guess, also, time to finish working on my Mozart. People nowadays like POP. WHy pop? Pop is like fake resonance from the electric guitar. Pop is like the imitation of our instruments in terms of absolute numbers: 60Hz, 61Hz. But no, life is non-digital. life is analogue. A tone is 60.87239Hz, maybe, or 60.123945Hz... that's analogue, we don't know.

Life should be classical. Slow, patient, practised. Remaining classical in this world of POP. Respect the smelly students who squeeze the bus with you after work, appreciate the  spider that weaved its web-its work of art that you accidentally bumped into.

Some thoughts..

And i went to the CDAC volunteer day.. Saw Yee Lee get her 15 year.. i wonder if i will even get a 5 year.. heard that we must serve continuously.. but i always so on and off.. come to think of it.. i was there since 19... going to 10 years le.. lol..

but no, that's not my thoughts. I want to share, in fact, what's troubling me most, is maybe, a personal insecurity. I value team effort, team work, coordination and cooperation. However, looking at the team award groups, i can feel how teams work. Why M&S doesn't work? Beacuse there is no homogeneity in the individuals. The individuals do not share values, do not share similar mindsets nor beliefs. That way, it is hard to work. That way, C2I works.

But i digress again. My major concern, personal concern is, after being in the upper echlons for so many years. I'm always afraid to try to work with the lower echlons. Not that i'm being ostracising, but more that I do not know what makes them tick. I see how TPY is trying to sieve out the creme de la creme. He only wants the best. He thinks everyone can be the best. I don't know how the lower echlons can tune to TPY. Nobody knows. TPY expects 100% engagement. 100% participation. 100% commitment. but this is life. this is not heaven. you don't filter. you cannot choose. We are HUMANS.

So I'm hoping, I want to learn, to work with the lower echlons. To work with the old uncle at SM who thinks only of getting his 7k every month by sitting by his desk and looking busy. To work with the registry auntie who is so passionate yet doesn't seem to think about improving her quality and efficiency. I hope to understand them, to see how they can contribute to the organisation in their small little ways despite them being HUMAN.

Increasing Fertility..

And so they think that somehow it will help...

I guess, the idea is there, there is a need for a general mindset change.. but I guess it also goes rather unfair that the government has to take up the challenge in righting the mindset, yet, the government is affect by low fertility which unfortunately is caused by this global shift in mindset and hence becomes gahmen problem.. i also cannot fathom why..

paternity leave obviouly only tries to shift alongside the society's struggle to try to put men and women on the same fighting line. Of course I cannot ignore some women who wants to compete with men. I also cannot put down the women who actually do better than men. But no idea why, but somehow i think after doing better and achieving ahead of men, i guess, i feel, even kwa geok choo learnt her place at home. some others just took longer to realise.

work life balance is like the largest topic of the city. CE wants work life integration, i think he has to change now lol. work life balance and work life integration IMO is just two opposite end of the x and z axis. not even in the same dimension lor. but how to balance? I tot he'd say one day off work. 32 work hours per week. but to penalise pple for staying past 6pm? Pple will just go home and do work. No need go home, use the mobile also can do work. My user smses me at 7pm on Sunday.

i think cannot la. Just look at myself now. Already struggling to meet my boyfriend, spend time with mum. Left so little time to meet my best friends, my best colleagues, not to mention random friends who sometimes are so important. What about learning sewing? learning horse riding? and going on vacations? Really lei. 44 hours work week still not enough LIFE time. by the time reach home, already shag till want to plonk straight into bed. Don't say make babies, don't even have time to build family bonds any more. and most employers actually end up needing their staff to work 88hour weeks...

this is difficult. cos its a fundamental shift. lifestyle change. we can work less hours, but means employer need to employ more pple. So they either profit less or we earn less, or BOTH. But how can we earn less? When those women on the streets die for DKNY, Coach and i also cannot imagine what else. pple cannot align with the precious gift of family, of home cooked dinners and the simple pleasure of a cloth bag. like want to go back kampung le.

i guess personally, i don't have a problem enjoying and living my fullest and towards my beliefs. But I can sense and see the general public who are not happy, not contented and not prepared for life. sigh for my gahmen.

sex-for-contracts

Its not usual for me to be so erz.. politcally commentarical.. but this is my job scope for now... it has been so for past 4 years.. -contracting- so I have to comment on this, as it really upsets me... the misuse of sex. 

i mean, at work we understand that wasting extra effort to bring in tenderers to quote is meaningless, tenderers whom we know cannot fulfil the minimal technical requirements although transperancy requires us to give them chance. 

but sex, since young, we've been taught to respect. Since young, teachers in schools made us aware of sexually transmitted diseases. They were promoting the abstinence from sex to the females and the use of condoms to the males. Very contradictory but assuming you read freakonomics, you'd understand. 

following that, the Da Vinci Code promoted sex as a holy process, a holy ritual, a holy exchange between two clean individuals. 

yet on the other side of the scale, i know my poly mates who picks guys up at clubs, have sex in the car at mount faber, in toilets, lifts, i know my XXXX user who does it at some random cubicle with his ex, the XXX user who visited geylang. A whole bunch of folks who maybe enjoys it, yearns for it, habitually does it. SIGH. 

but its against my comprehension, how a married woman, (whom i hope was in love with her husband), can stoop to that. or rather, married women. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH.

and on another spectrum, those married couples who should be giving birth are maybe some not having enough sex or abstaining from it due to societal issues. What a world!

Cash Convertor

As mentioned in my previous post, I had gone to do my chores.. one of which required a visit to Cash Convertor.. its amazing and eye-opening and refreshing for me to see the stuff the old uncles go to convert into cash, old paintings, sets of rice bowls and other porcelain wares, a workout machine. -wow-

Besides that, I realised how much the Bedok interchange i used to visit every single day of my polytechnic life has transformed. Now constructing bedok residences right smack in the interchange. I wonder who will want to live there? As everyone seeks peace and tranquility in this over bustling city, who will want to live in the middle of it all?

Nonetheless, some new coffeeshops have spruced up and there's this ice cafe at bedok library i'd have loved to try if not for my rich collection of amos cookies and fruits already. And the cash ktv that su wei mentioned, i mean, why is everything named starting with cash!? lol..

Feeling empty..

As the weekend is ending, as I've spent my entire day at my laptop catching up on news, the feeling of insecurity creeps in. I'm reminded of my week, of my bashful utterances and deep reminder of my own boundaries and new boundaries i must learn to follow at work.

Of course, not forgetting that my dearest postivity has left Singapore for Perth, I sincerely hope that he's having the time of his life. While the strongest positive energetic influence of my life is not around me, the peace getting into me isn't very positive. I appreciate that peace, and I want to be thankful for it, as I miss my dearest positivity. Also, hope to find my own positivity, can't keep relying on him can i?

In spite of all, I went out to do some chores, and return much uplifted. Seeing how the dressage competitors fight it out on mio tv at singtel shop, re-ignites my urge to get back onto the horseback. Maybe Yogyakarta will have riding schools, maybe after my trip to yogakarta, i have to make another one to do some riding myself. maybe, just maybe.

And after all that, I reminded my dear friend on whatsapp, that at different stages of our lives, we prioritise our dreams and stability differently. Now is the time to save up your money and make more to save up. There will be a time for dreams, I'm sure.

Looking ahead..

I'm trying to get my resume done.. It's taking forever!!! I really want to hand it over to Philifer soon... In any case, I've decided i'm gng to try IDA next year first... more like taking a small step towards the commercial world.. hopefully can move on to google or andriod in future.. I've also thought through my need to find an ethical company, an ethical career. Not something like fashion where pple backstab one another or like one Rochester where the presentation and marketing is more important to stay competitive. Still hoping to find a resort representative kind of vocation. Still looking around.

Terrible week

And so.. its not really PRM's fault but we cannot deny how sucky our PRM is.. their process is lengthy, and slow.. and the ES system is troublesome, somehow my user also made mistake in the ES routing approval.. and we had to shift from a ePS to ES and a hardcopy PO system.. i feel i've practically raised THREE POs in THREE days! So its been quite a strain on me and not to mention i've been re-thinking stuff... from wanting to leave PC7 to got to PC11.. to now here.. I'm trying to find a way to survive and probably stay.. but as familiar as I am with the system.. there's always the problem of PRM, the ES system and even ST makes mistakes and I have to get them to correct it 5 times! That practically sums up my terrible week. (which ended with a 12 hour snoose till today 12.30pm)

i left..

the 2g world. typing this post on my s3. Struggling with the auto correct and using a touchscreen keyboard for the first time in my life.w Still prefer to type on my computer though . The good old keyboard is missed.

2G Lifestyle

Was having lunch with my colleagues, ex-colleagues or rather, ex-programme mates to be exact.

We had a fun time when I first joined. When their PgM first joined them. Things were getting organised, the mentee is taught and groomed by all the seniors available (which practically includes every single soul cos I was the newest new comer, the rest all exceed 2 yrs of working exp.).

After 3.25 years in the company, I'm still leading a 2G lifestyle. An engineer leading a 2G lifestyle, making acquisition decisions for the 3G SAF. How ironic. But CHILL, i'm the only one. That's why they found it amusing.

The conversation started off from a recent spate of accidents due to human err stepping into the safety gap between station platform and the MRT. My colleague thinks its due to the generation (he calls it my generation) that fb/text/whatsapp/bbm/watch video as they walk around/take public transport/wait for things to happen.

I'm 2G because:
i) I did not claim company's internet and subscribe to i think 1 MB or 3MB BB for 15 bucks a month. Read: low usage - surf CNA, blog, fb < 1 hr a day avg.

ii) I do not bring the company laptop home to work. Ever. Never in my three years. (okay, maybe about three times?)

iii) I do not have a mobile device, no way to surf on the go. Still using a stupid phone. That sometimes does not receive sms or receive them one day late.

iv) I don't even bother to find out what time the next bus arrives via e iris system. I just WAIT. Sit, stare, looks around and wait. Unlike the new generation who's always doing something, surfin, chatting, talking on phone.

I think they're most in awe of no. ii) and iii). looks like engineers CANNOT live without the 3G lifestyle. Most engineers.

And after lunch, my colleagues, current colleagues are fainting that I cannot find the History at my web browser. Not able to restore my Outlook after it crashed. And somebody had to highlight that I graduated from xxxxx with a Degree in XXXX. lol. that was IT. that was the winner. really best.

The day is Near..

Finally, the day is near.
One Day More.
As the beginning inches close.
One Day More.
My days become happier.
One Day More.
The future brightens up.

I was once lost and deep in fear.
I was confused and deep in anxiety.
But something knocked me hard in the head.
And I found my way, saw light again.

Thank God.

I MISS HOME!!!!!!!!! (already...)

Looking thru facebook
After such a draining week
I see how other friends are facing exam
Like I did before

I recall 'My Favourite Things'
And seek it out on YouTube
Feeling that all energy
Has been sucked out of me
It is a really soothing sound

Keeping anger is bad for health
Unable to let go of frustration
I succumb to it with my physical self

Fortunately I had the flexibility
To come home and sleep an afternoon away

Now physically much better
I tell myself to face the situation
With a bright smile
All over again

Of course there's the nostalgia
Of leaving home again
And the pity that I haven't met
So many dear friends and loved ones

I guess this is the time
I go to my piano
After a long period of neglect...

It's okay dear..

It's okay dear..
That you're sometimes so slow and dense.

It's really okay dear,
As your ignorance doesn't hurt others too much.

They will forgive you dear,
For the silly words of faith you speak.

They may not understand you dear,
But they open their arms wide to include you.

They may be exasperated dear,
But you test their patience well.

It's not too late to realise dear,
Even if you're to make the same mistaken faith.

You have chosen dear,
Not to lose your faith in innocence.

There are no right nor wrong in choices dear,
Neither will there be right or wrong opinions.

Keep your faith dear,
Even if this world will never be worth.

Keep going dear,
For that which inspires your life.

I like to be open..

I guess I'm now the total opposite of my younger self (although my K2 classmate still recognises me, lol..)

I used to keep myself a mystery, aiming to confuse.
Now I open my transperant self to all, regardless.

It makes me comfortable, I feel comfortable and strive to make myself comfortable in spite of the situations. I feel it helps the pple around me to feel comfortable when I'm in comfort too.

Now the picture is so clear, what I want is so clear. Although everything, the future and my fate is still unknown, but I feel a solid ground under me. No matter where I go, I know what I'm seeking, what I will look for.

Let me continue to read my mystery book then feedback ba..

What am I fighting for!??!

I have a loving boss,

More than a dozen caring colleagues.

And very very close friends within the department,

At least three who put me before themselves.

I'm never left out at work.

There are a million pple in ofx who will bring me out to exciting lunch places.

I have a good working relationship with ALL stakeholders.

I get to go home on time much more than most colleagues.

I sleep better than many friends I know.

I know how to do my work and handles my job scope well.

I am in a happy situation, happy environment.

So I'd really like to ask, what exactly am I fighting for?!?!?!

My pessimistic colleague says..

most pple have to tolerate their bosses more than I do.

most bosses will make mistakes and think that you made them.

most bosses will force a decision on you and blame you for the decision after that.

... i'm too exhausted to complete this list, why should i?

Spending Nature..

And so its weird I realised, I do not consciously force myself to spend less but becos there is so much pessimism at work that there is no joy in expenditure anymore.

Food tastes the same. Bags look the same. Shoes are the same. Clothes all look like clothes.

And you thought pple spend more to make themselves happier. Actually, spending more is just a relaxation. It is only required when one is stressed. When you're angry, and hopeless, you're not stressed. You actually find no joy in expenditure.

Is that a kind of optimism in itself?

perpetual frown

and so the hot topic, PCDP - personal career development plan was meant to motivate staff.

I got that takeaway after talking to my HCD - head capability development.

I have no idea why how what when I'm made to feel so angry. Throughout the entire session, I can feel my HCD trying very hard, trying to understand and see how we can align to each other. However, I could only feel my cheeks burning, I was so angry I couldn't understand why.

I guess I will have to show him how I think things can be aligned.

Sick..

Omg.. i'm sick and yes i'm gng to bathe and sleep right after this.

Bought this voucher on groupon, found a few good deals for travel but guess what? I don't feel like travelling at all! -.-

In fact, I don't feel like anything. Its not that I've lost interest in life. In fact, my life is so fulfilling lor.. like -HOW FULFILLING is this?-

Yup, drawing lessons are really amazing. Topping that fun is my great drawing partner- guess what? From the exact same company, I really mean scholar batch. We've been through 3 lessons le, and I'm only finally updating it here now (becos I'm sick and cancelled on everyone). The first lesson was awesome, copying stuff she printed for us, finally picking up the pencil again. Second lesson was not that great cos its my most awkward face drawing. Third was good again, cos sitting beside my drawing partner, and comparing and giggling at each other's drawings. Second lesson I was sitting this really insecure little lady who was so critical of her own work it loses all the freedom of drawing. Okay, sorry, its not really drawing lessons. We're doing "Fashion Illustration".

So, with that much gng on, I re-read my last post and didn't quite understand what I was talking about. Lol.. i was very sure it made alot of sense when I typed it.

That said, time to nurse myself back to health first. (although I have so much to say)

De__ess___

and so i don't know why, i should be in bed but i choose to type here.. there something very empty inside of me...

its an ideal two days of no work and just training.. although very boring training as the students are not active and difficult to open up and exchange ideas.. and very tough material every single session reminding me of my weakness, how to know if the traffic comes in has gone through NAT? how many different events can the router listen for at all the packets? I've never been learning well in sch.. :(

and i just went to try to answer a qn.. i do not wish to ask.. for i am not ready to know the negative ans... how can anyone ask a qn and only expect positive ans lei? sigh... (it reminds me of pple who propose, they only want to hear +ve ans..-.-)

I've been talking to too many pple.. talking too much... but... i need to talk.. i guess i really need to talk to that particular someone.. and not any others.. yet.. i cant talk to her.. she's far and she's leaving... sigh... and i dun wan to go around in circles.. i want to get out of this CIRCLE!!!! (infinite loop la)

hang in there girl... SURVIVE!!!

Optimism

And so one goes on to figure, which exactly is my real self?

It has been a spirit lifting week seeing so much effort put in and such great results. It is consoling and relieving to know that things are on course... I feel like I came back from a holiday although it was a work trip.

Let's keep it this way. :)

Point to point

On the eve of the eve of the eve of Lunar New Year, we had our dept lunch at some uluated restaurant where I got a lift to Newton MRT and bumped into the same colleagues at lunch who took a bus there.

And so, my colleague and I were both heading home to Dakota stn and I've made some calculation of stops and turns out if I take to Bishan, the MRT will make 2 less stops than making the interchange at Dhoby Gaut. But bumping into that friend at the station, we were discussing on which route will be better when another chipped in to have us take different routes to find that out. And so we took on the challenge, me to Bishan and he to Dhoby Gaut.

Its interesting how the circle line gives us an additional option to travel point to point, yet makes travelling so complicated as another commented there is not one direct route to a location anymore.

Turns out that I lost, as although the Bishan route takes two less stops, the in-between travelling time, (esp the Bishan - x - Serangoon) is longer.

Hence, take the Dhoby route!

And I thought ..

Last year was bad..

With all the, "solve this for ops mgr or proj will not move!"
To, "they dun do then who do? we need the asset to do our test!"

But this year, following all rules and regs. Being so obedient to mgt's expectations, i feel that i've done so much more in the past two months than the past year. That's what I got from trying to write my SAF - staff appraisal form.

But no, its not cos the things closer are clearer in my mind. I have been noting my daily tasks for the year and really, i've basically been doing inconclusive tasks for the past year as compared to now. and also, of course having to do alot more now too cos my HCD puts simply "I cant find anyone to hire" what can I say?

And finally i've reached the phase past what my colleagues have been experiencing since the day i joined - 'i want to quit'.